When you care for elderly in your home, it can be a life changing experience.

Sitting in my office, I just heard my father talking to my deceased mother saying, “Hopefully, I won’t be long.” I feel tears well up in my eyes, but it is all he wants.

I thought it would be a great opportunity to speak to those who shoulder the care of elderly parents. Let’s talk about how to make life the best it can be for our elderly parents as they prepare to make their exit from this world.

Parents, for the most part, have had lives dedicated to their children and for my dad, his wife. He misses her, and I know he feels like he doesn’t know why she is gone and he is left here. This isn’t a depression but just a normal reaction to losing someone you have had by your side for 62 years. It has been over two years now, and because he has dementia, that only affects his short-term memory, he can’t remember her death. For this reason, I present the first step in giving your elderly parent the best care for his mental health.

10 Steps to Effectively Care for Elderly in Your Home

1. Show him the utmost patience.

Elderly are not children. They are a whole different animal. We cannot treat people who have lived their entire lives already as though they have not lived yet. Reinforcing the fact that it is ok that he forgets calms him. He is neither a child nor an idiot and he knows he can’t remember. Every other faculty is in place. He doesn’t have debilitating dementia. So, when an elderly parent asks for the fifteenth time that day if we know what happened to or where their spouse is, act as though this is the first time you have heard them ask. Give them the correct answer as though it is the first time you answered.

2. NEVER scold him.

Scolding, while effective in early years in dangerous situations, is usually a negative thing. Scolding the elderly can put them back into themselves and invite an aggressive or debilitatingly depressive reaction. No one likes to be scolded and can become resentful. It seems that even when dementia is present, a scolding isn’t soon forgotten by the demented individual. Just think about the golden rule, “Treat others as you would like others to treat you,” and this will never be a problem.

3. Always smile when approaching him.

I don’t care who you are; a smile is always a good thing. You smile at people you see in the parking lot, and they smile back. Smiling at small children in the library or store always gets a positive reaction from the little one. It is just as true with the elderly. They can feel when you are angry, and it makes them upset. If you go in with a smile and a bright attitude, it rubs off. They can’t help but grin a bit even if it is because they are curious why you are smiling. It is a good conversation starter and a very positive start to a day or midday or evening. Always smile in their presence.

4. Reassure him often.

Are you are annoyed at hearing someone you love ask you for the nine hundredth time, “What day is today?” “What happened to my wife?” “Do you bring me food or do I get that myself?” It doesn’t mean you can let that person know you are annoyed. It helps nothing, confuses everything and most of the time makes an already difficult situation worse. I understand what this is and believe me, I know how hard it is to stay focused on that elderly man and his dementia but just do it. Just swallow your pride, answer him for the nine hundredth time and make life easy for him. All he wants is an answer to a question, so just give it to him. He will always thank you.

5. Update him when he appears to need it.

A big problem, with elderly caregivers, is the urge to pacify them by saying, “Yes, it is 1973.” It is a bad idea. For whatever reason, their minds forget and then remember and back and forth, so this information is confusing. Always reorient the elderly. Let them know what day it is, or how old they are or the name of the present president …whatever they ask, always keep them updated with a truthful answer. Just as we never know what state one’s soul is in, we never know the state of one’s mind.

6. Remind him gently with pictures if you can.

It is my experience, with a father whose short-term memory is all but gone, that for whatever reason, I apparently cannot know, pictures stimulate memories. I make a point of taking pictures of my dad with whoever comes to visit and all the things that are going on around him during that visit. Later, when everyone is gone, he will say something like, “So, nothing happened today?” I say, “Well, let’s take a look.” AND, even if he doesn’t exactly remember, for that moment, he is satisfied that he did have company and they all had a good time.

7. Give him something to do alongside you.

Most of the time, whether they say so or not, elderly don’t want to just sit there. They want to be involved with the people who are closest to them. My dad always offers to do something to help. He says, “I don’t care how small of a job it is if it helps, I will do it.” So, of course, I give him instructions and let him help. It is so therapeutic even if it is just for that moment, a moment he will never remember. Don’t let them sit there and wonder. It is a lonely place to be.

8. Share your people with him, especially children.

People always tell me, “He needs to be with people like him.” “Get him in a group home environment where he can do activities with people his age who have dementia like him.” WHAT? That Is not therapeutic, that is self-defeating. Who wants to sit around listening to other people complain about all that ails them? No one. They want new conversation. Give him fresh faces with smiles and life in them. Share your children and yourself with the elderly. Let them hug your babies and smile and laugh and share the newness of life with these little ones. Let them share their experience with your teenagers who may be just getting their first jobs. OH MY GOSH!! I can’t tell you how different someone becomes when newness surrounds them in contrast to what they become surrounded by the same old negative crap. Try it and watch what happens.

9. ALWAYS say, “You’re welcome.”

Everyone likes to know you have heard them. The same is very true with elderly. Most of the time, elderly are very grateful to have someone helping, visiting, checking. When an elderly person says thank you, turn and deliberately say, “You’re welcome.” I say it all the time, but this one particular time, my dad responded, “When you say that, I know you mean it. I feel welcome.” *tears welling up* You never know the therapeutic effect of words until you use them.

10. Always say goodnight and close the day.

Answer any questions he has. Tell him what happened that day. Let him talk, say his thank you, say his good night. It lets him know that the day is done for starters and that he isn’t there for the night alone. When his questions get answered, he can rest. Whether or not he wakes in the night and doesn’t remember this, you have calmed him for bed and rest the best you could. And who knows, you may have said goodnight for the last time.

One night, my dad said, “Thank you for everything. I am exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to do.” There are no words.